Ultrasounds and Living Day to Day

Well, we were happy to see our baby girl today. Happy to hear her heart beating strong and steady. She moved quite a bit, which is very much like her, so we didn't get many good photos like I had hoped. A snapshot of her profile and her little feet were about the only two worth sharing. Our ultrasound technician said that her kidney's were working great and there was plenty of fluid so that means she's been getting the nutrients she needs. As we had predicited, Rosalie is a little smaller than she should be. I'm 28 weeks and she is measuring at 25 weeks. She's a tiny little butter bean weighing about 1 lb 1/2. She should be twice that, but we were prepared for that reality. I will say, that our oldest, Lorelei, has been praying every night that "that thing, it's called a cyst, in Rosalie's head, will go away, God, heal her, please." Now, again, our children don't know anything about what's really going on. They only know what they heard the first ultrasound appointment and that was that she had a cyst on her brain. And looking at pictures of her brain today, the ultrasound technician said she saw no traces of it anymore. It was gone, praise the Lord. Even though the absence of it changes nothing in terms of Rosie's diagnosis, it was a little break in the rain for us. After the ultrasound, we waited to see the doctor for my routine visit. The reality I'm never prepared for are the conversations that have to take place from here on out. I don't like talking, let alone thinking, about how far we are willing to go to keep our daughter alive once born. I feel tears immediately falling when she tells me that Rosalie's lack of weight gain is now concerning. Concerning that she might not make it full term. Concerning in the fact that I might lose my baby before holding her. I let the tears fall as I look at Chris and stare into his eyes communicating without words how much I hate this. This is not normal. This is not what the last few months of pregnancy are supposed to be like! I should be shopping for sweet little clothes with ruffles on them! Creating the perfect space for her precious head to sleep at night! Not this. Not living day to day wondering if it's her last. I left the appointment feeling weary and defeated. Driving home, as the kids are screaming and yelling and arguing in the back, I hear a song I recognize on the radio. I couldn't tell you the name, or even sing it in it's entirety, but I knew one of the lyrics well and it instantly warmed my heart. The lyrics come from Isaiah 40:28-31.... "Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Isn't that just like our God? Giving us hope when we need it and constantly reassuring us of his unfailing love? After hearing the lyrics, I went home and opened up my bible and read these verses and just felt a little more at peace. It gave me the strength to finish my day. To play with my kids outside with a smile on my face. Enjoying their laughter and cherishing it. Every day from here on can be hard if we let it. But I'm learning to trust in Him, that he will direct my life, my circumstances, my day to day. He is capable. And He is more than capable of caring for my Rosie whether it's watching her grow here with us or holding her in His arms in Heaven.