Pregnancy: 36 weeks

Well, we made it to 36 weeks. There are so many emotions that I am feeling today. Chris and I were blessed with one more ultrasound before delivery, so we could see our Rosalie one more time. I was thankful to have a dear friend of mine come early this morning to watch our kiddos so that the hubby and I could be by ourselves. It definitley wasn't an appointment I wanted them going to, simply because I didn't know how I was going to hold up. I did remarkably fine until the technician pulled Rosalie up in 3D. Seeing her moving around and seeing her face; lips like Ben, a nose like Zak, and a personality like her older sister; it ripped me apart. We just sat there crying as we tried to take in all the little details we could of her. Why, you ask? Because that could possibly be the last time I see my daughter alive. I didn't want to have that thought, but it was there, hanging over me. I pray, Lord, I pray that it's not. Most pregnant women, when they reach the 36 week mark, feel safer. If something were to happen and you went into pre term delivery, your baby would probably be just fine. But reaching the 36 week mark for me is bittersweet. I am thrilled that God has allowed me to carry Rosalie this long. Along side that happiness is the realization that very soon, we are going to meet our little girl and have to say goodbye. When will that be? I don't know. We won't know. We are truely having to walk by faith...day to day. We aren't sure if Rosalie will live an hour, two weeks, 3 months, a year...we just have to trust that God will guide our path and the decisions we make. Carrying a baby with Trisomy 18 has been so different. Not physically, although I am smaller than normal. But just, the anticipation, and the planning ahead that comes with a baby...I don't get to do that. Today, after the ultrasound, we had a routine check up with the doctor and she made the comment about Rosalie being a little fighter. She said, "She obviously wants to meet you." Oh my, how my heart was torn! I cried, screaming in my head, "I want to meet her too! I want to hold her! I want to hug her and kiss her and spoil her! I want everything to just be normal!" But no matter how much I want those things, we just have to be content with what God is giving us. For however long he sees fit to give it. As we waited on the doctor, Chris said "If we could start this pregnancy over, I would still do it the same way. I wouldn't miss out on the chance to see her." He's so awesome. And he's right. If today was the last time we saw our little girls heart beating, then we consider ourselves blessed. God has put her in our lives for a reason and we have grown to love her and God more in the process. Thankfully, Rosalie's heart was beating strong and she's been rolling around since we returned home. She did give us a scare during the ultrasound after her heartrate dropped from 136 to 118...but praise the Lord, it went back up quickly. She is currently measuring at 32 weeks and 3 lbs. 13 oz. She's our tiny little princess. As we go through these last four weeks of pregnancy, please pray for us. We will be telling our children very soon and the strength to do that alone is going to have to come from the Lord, because I'm going to be a mess. If you have been praying, like we have, that God will completely heal Rosalie, please continue to do so. We have not given up hope that God can work a miracle here. A personal prayer for me today would be greatly appreciated, since my soul is a little weighed down after these appointments. "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

Pregnancy: 33 1/2 weeks

Almost 6 weeks to go. I'm not ready. The past week has been miserable for me and pretty much anyone who comes in contact with me. I'm feel like a grey cloud amidst eveyone else's blue skies. I just can't believe that it is March 8th. I'm due April 23rd and the clock just keeps ticking. Faster and faster, each day passes. Thankfully, my baby girl is still moving and tumbling and kicking me left and right. Praise God that her heartbeat is steady and strong. But this week has just done me in. This past week I have felt farther away from God as I ever have before. I'm scared that he's pushing us too far. I'm terrified. I don't know what to feel or think anymore. My husband, thank the Lord, is being a great source of encouragement. If I didn't have him to constantly remind me, when I am in doubt of how much God loves us, I do believe I would fall apart. He made a comment today that a trial like this could easily break anyone. And that most people couldn't handle it. (More than 50% of people that find out that their baby has trisomy 18 abort them, so I would say that he's right. I mean, who really wants to go through that pain?) I sure didn't. And I still don't. But I was holding out hope. And I'm still trying to hold onto hope that all this isn't for nothing. Chris said "He chose us, honey. God chose US to go through this." While I still question everyday why this is happening the way it is, my hubby reminds me that we have to trust Him. Trust is a big issue for me and always has been, and it's something I struggle with in my walk with the Lord. Perhaps it's a lesson I'm meant to learn during this time. There is a song that I fell in love with last year and it sums up everything I'm feeling and gives me encouragement at the same time. Who knew I would be needing it at this time in my life? Someone did. And he died on the cross and bled for you and me. I've got to learn to be more trusting. If I can trust Him to carry me through the good, I can trust Him to carry me through the bad. I'll share the video with you and I pray that it might bring you comfort when you, like me, are walking in the desert.