Putting Things In Motion

I recently wrote about the possibilty of an induction with Rosalie. With my first two pregnancies, I went overdue but they came on their own. My third, I was induced. That delivery I believe I was the most calm. I was already at the hospital and as things progressed, I was able to get my epidural quickly. (This girl is a bit of a baby when it comes to pain!) Anyways, Chris and I both feel that being induced this time around is a better option for us so we can feel like we are more in control of the labor. We want the children and our family and friends to be able to be in the waiting room and to see Rosalie as soon as possible. I spoke with my OB yesterday and she said that we could induce anytime now. She went on to say that she was going to be at the hospital on Wednesday, April 17th and we could schedule it for then. That day just so happens to be our 9 year wedding anniversary. Not two years ago we had a tornado hit our house right at our anniversary. We didn't know it, but "for better or worse" has been taken quite literally in our marriage. I am so thankful to have been married to my best friend and my helpmate for the past nine years. And it looks like we will be enduring another trial on this anniversary as well. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else though. At hearing that Wednesday was the day, I wanted to cry...I DID cry. Who wants to go through something like that on their special day? But Chris reminded me.. "Honey, we are going to be celebrating that day for a long time...let's celebrate her life that day too." Yes. Yes, we will. Although we don't know what Wednesday will bring in terms of Rosalie and how strong she is; how long God will give us with her; yes, we will celebrate her. Celebrate that our marriage of 9 years has brought us to this point.

So, I told the OB that I would think about it overnight and call and schedule it next day. Well, today has had it's twists and turns. :/ I called the nurse to put things in motion, get things scheduled, so I would know what to tell my parents and friends. The nurse returned my call and I was told that Wednesday, the one day, that the one doctor I wanted to deliver her, was all booked up. Seriously? I just sat there and cried on the phone to that poor nurse. She continued to tell me that they were still striving to get me in the schedule for Wednesday but to get me a space at all, I was going to have to take the morning slot on Thursday...with a different doctor. :/ It's no secret that things just haven't gone "our way" this pregnancy. I was under the impression that if I at least chose to be induced that I would have some control of this. God has a sense of humor. If I'm having to learn a lesson here, it's "Let go and let God." Do I want a certain doctor? Yes! Do I want to know what's ahead of me? Yes! But it looks like we are still "waiting." The nurse was very sweet and understanding and said that she was going to try everything she could to get me in there on Wednesday. Apparently, there are mommies scheduled for induction that day that might possibly go into labor over the weekend, or Monday/Tuesday, and I can get their slot. See? Another waiting game. :/

Rosalie's blankets and clothes are all washed and folded and put away in hopes of bringing her home with us next weekend. Please pray for us as it's all happening so fast now and we are under quite a bit of pressure (self-induced) to get the house ready for her arriva. Thank you again for caring about us and loving us through this all.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Phillipians 4:13

Pregnancy: 38 weeks

Well, here we are. Two more weeks to go. I've definitley cried a lot more lately. Our appointment this week went as expected. I was lucky to see one of my favorite doctors in our practice, so that always puts me at ease and gives me the freedom to express how I'm feeling a little more. Some doctors are more compassionate than others, that's just the way it is. And with our situtation, we really need that. I seemed to have more questions this week as opposed to others, simply because the hour glass is running out on this pregnancy and I need to know what options are available to us. For example, if Rosalie survives the birthing process, what then? Does she go straight to NICU? Do we just hold her waiting to see what will happen? Will a pediatric cardiologist be readily available since she has AVSD? Say that Rosalie does well enough and we get to come home with our little miracle; what equiptment do I need? Is this covered by insurance? Fast forward a few days to the newborn check up with the pediatrician....will he look at my baby like any regular healthy baby? Or is she to be classified as a t-18 baby and incompatible with life? Given mediocre care because of her lack of future? I want Rosalie to be given a chance. Every patient, every child, every baby with a t-18 diagnosis is different. I pray that all the doctors we have seen over these months will help to give my baby girl a fighting chance. Obviously, we don't want Rosie to suffer. We don't want her on life support or anything like that. If God wants her with us, He will make it clear and we are praying, provide us with the wisdom to make these tough decisions. We did talk with our OB about doing an induction. We feel we might have more control over the labor and we really want family and friends to be able to be there to meet her. An induction will allow our kids to be in the waiting room and to see their sister as quickly as possible. If all we have with her is 15 minutes, we need to make the most of it and I don't want them to to miss it. As of late last week, we told the kids about Rosalie's diagnosis. It was one of the hardest things we have had to endure so far. Hearing your daughter break down into uncontrollable sobs saying "I want my little sister!" is heart wrenching. We all cried for a good while, explained that things happen and we don't know why sometimes but that God loves Roaslie and He loves her so much he might want her in heaven with Him sooner than we imagined. Since telling them the news, they have been, well, children. They don't take time to dwell on things like we adults do. Oh to be young. :/ So, here we are. The neonatologist is supposed to contact us soon so we can ask all our questions again about the "if's" of bringing Rosie home. We are also waiting on my OB to converse with our maternal/fetal specialist to see if he thinks we should induce closer to 39 weeks or closer to 40. I'm praying we have things more set in motion by my appointment next week. As always, I would ask for your prayers as Chris and I try and navigate these waters that are so uncharted for us. For anyone, really. But His love never fails us, right? Continue to keep us in your prayers please.

Waiting

To wait.... Webster's defines it as follows:

wait - to stay in place in expectation of.

I am not a patient person. I do not enjoy the act of "waiting." I "wait" on my food to arrive at a restaurant. I anxiously "wait" for packages to come in the mail. I "wait" until the kids to go bed so the hubby and I can have some peace and quiet. But lately, waiting, has taken on a whole new meaning. I am 37 1/2 weeks. In about two more weeks, Rosie will be here, Lord willing. Waiting on her arrival is a combination of anticipation and grief. I want to hold my little girl so badly. I want to smell that new baby smell and swaddle her in the precious blankets we have been given. But I'm afraid. I know I shouldn't be. But I'm human. I'm afraid once I hold her, and breathe in that sweet baby aroma that I'll be smitten and I won't let her go. I'm afraid to wait. Sadly, that is what I/we have been asked to do. To "stay in this place". Pray, friends and family, that we can continue to wait on the Lord, and that in this, He will give us a peace that passes all understanding, as we come down to the last few weeks of this pregnancy.

“I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord More than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning,” - Psalm 130:5-6

Pregnancy: 36 weeks

Well, we made it to 36 weeks. There are so many emotions that I am feeling today. Chris and I were blessed with one more ultrasound before delivery, so we could see our Rosalie one more time. I was thankful to have a dear friend of mine come early this morning to watch our kiddos so that the hubby and I could be by ourselves. It definitley wasn't an appointment I wanted them going to, simply because I didn't know how I was going to hold up. I did remarkably fine until the technician pulled Rosalie up in 3D. Seeing her moving around and seeing her face; lips like Ben, a nose like Zak, and a personality like her older sister; it ripped me apart. We just sat there crying as we tried to take in all the little details we could of her. Why, you ask? Because that could possibly be the last time I see my daughter alive. I didn't want to have that thought, but it was there, hanging over me. I pray, Lord, I pray that it's not. Most pregnant women, when they reach the 36 week mark, feel safer. If something were to happen and you went into pre term delivery, your baby would probably be just fine. But reaching the 36 week mark for me is bittersweet. I am thrilled that God has allowed me to carry Rosalie this long. Along side that happiness is the realization that very soon, we are going to meet our little girl and have to say goodbye. When will that be? I don't know. We won't know. We are truely having to walk by faith...day to day. We aren't sure if Rosalie will live an hour, two weeks, 3 months, a year...we just have to trust that God will guide our path and the decisions we make. Carrying a baby with Trisomy 18 has been so different. Not physically, although I am smaller than normal. But just, the anticipation, and the planning ahead that comes with a baby...I don't get to do that. Today, after the ultrasound, we had a routine check up with the doctor and she made the comment about Rosalie being a little fighter. She said, "She obviously wants to meet you." Oh my, how my heart was torn! I cried, screaming in my head, "I want to meet her too! I want to hold her! I want to hug her and kiss her and spoil her! I want everything to just be normal!" But no matter how much I want those things, we just have to be content with what God is giving us. For however long he sees fit to give it. As we waited on the doctor, Chris said "If we could start this pregnancy over, I would still do it the same way. I wouldn't miss out on the chance to see her." He's so awesome. And he's right. If today was the last time we saw our little girls heart beating, then we consider ourselves blessed. God has put her in our lives for a reason and we have grown to love her and God more in the process. Thankfully, Rosalie's heart was beating strong and she's been rolling around since we returned home. She did give us a scare during the ultrasound after her heartrate dropped from 136 to 118...but praise the Lord, it went back up quickly. She is currently measuring at 32 weeks and 3 lbs. 13 oz. She's our tiny little princess. As we go through these last four weeks of pregnancy, please pray for us. We will be telling our children very soon and the strength to do that alone is going to have to come from the Lord, because I'm going to be a mess. If you have been praying, like we have, that God will completely heal Rosalie, please continue to do so. We have not given up hope that God can work a miracle here. A personal prayer for me today would be greatly appreciated, since my soul is a little weighed down after these appointments. "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

Pregnancy: 33 1/2 weeks

Almost 6 weeks to go. I'm not ready. The past week has been miserable for me and pretty much anyone who comes in contact with me. I'm feel like a grey cloud amidst eveyone else's blue skies. I just can't believe that it is March 8th. I'm due April 23rd and the clock just keeps ticking. Faster and faster, each day passes. Thankfully, my baby girl is still moving and tumbling and kicking me left and right. Praise God that her heartbeat is steady and strong. But this week has just done me in. This past week I have felt farther away from God as I ever have before. I'm scared that he's pushing us too far. I'm terrified. I don't know what to feel or think anymore. My husband, thank the Lord, is being a great source of encouragement. If I didn't have him to constantly remind me, when I am in doubt of how much God loves us, I do believe I would fall apart. He made a comment today that a trial like this could easily break anyone. And that most people couldn't handle it. (More than 50% of people that find out that their baby has trisomy 18 abort them, so I would say that he's right. I mean, who really wants to go through that pain?) I sure didn't. And I still don't. But I was holding out hope. And I'm still trying to hold onto hope that all this isn't for nothing. Chris said "He chose us, honey. God chose US to go through this." While I still question everyday why this is happening the way it is, my hubby reminds me that we have to trust Him. Trust is a big issue for me and always has been, and it's something I struggle with in my walk with the Lord. Perhaps it's a lesson I'm meant to learn during this time. There is a song that I fell in love with last year and it sums up everything I'm feeling and gives me encouragement at the same time. Who knew I would be needing it at this time in my life? Someone did. And he died on the cross and bled for you and me. I've got to learn to be more trusting. If I can trust Him to carry me through the good, I can trust Him to carry me through the bad. I'll share the video with you and I pray that it might bring you comfort when you, like me, are walking in the desert.

Pregnancy: 30 weeks

I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow. Time is going by too fast. I want Rosalie to stay inside of me.... happy, content, kicking and rolling around. I realize that making it this far with a baby diagnosed with trisomy 18 is a miracle in itself. But am I asking too much of God to create an even bigger miracle for me? Let my baby live. Let my Rosie live, Lord. With each passing day, each smile I put on, in the back of my mind is always, "How long? How long, Lord, will we wait on You to show us what You're doing in this?" As the countdown to April 23rd grows closer still, I can't help but wonder everyday, again, why this is happening to us. I don't know how to proceed in these last few months of my pregnancy. I don't know how or what to prepare for. There is a constant battle going on in my head and my heart. Do I buy a cradle for her..just in case? Do I need to buy her a drawer full of clothes....just in case? Do we need to purchase another newborn car seat.... just in case? The "just in case" scenarios torment me. How do you prepare for the unknown? I've asked myself this over and over lately. And through my tears and frustration, I found the answer to be simple. FAITH. We take everyday on faith, don't we? Each day we wake up we face the unknown. We prepare as best we can and push forward...with faith. As much as it pains me to go through this desert, I'm trying to hold on to the knowledge that God has his hand in all of this. Although I question and try as hard as I might to understand Him and His ways, there comes a point, everyday, where I have to remind myself that His plans are not to harm me. His plans are good. And true. My pastor said something yesterday during our teaching that I believe I will always remember. "If God were small enough for us to understand, He wouldn't be big enough to worship." Wow. So as we go through these next few months, I plan on buying Rosalie a cradle, and pretty clothes; where I didn't allow myself to do that before. We will walk by faith. Even though the path before us isn't clear. She's my daughter and I want to spoil her.... and I'm hanging on for a miracle.

Ultrasounds and Living Day to Day

Well, we were happy to see our baby girl today. Happy to hear her heart beating strong and steady. She moved quite a bit, which is very much like her, so we didn't get many good photos like I had hoped. A snapshot of her profile and her little feet were about the only two worth sharing. Our ultrasound technician said that her kidney's were working great and there was plenty of fluid so that means she's been getting the nutrients she needs. As we had predicited, Rosalie is a little smaller than she should be. I'm 28 weeks and she is measuring at 25 weeks. She's a tiny little butter bean weighing about 1 lb 1/2. She should be twice that, but we were prepared for that reality. I will say, that our oldest, Lorelei, has been praying every night that "that thing, it's called a cyst, in Rosalie's head, will go away, God, heal her, please." Now, again, our children don't know anything about what's really going on. They only know what they heard the first ultrasound appointment and that was that she had a cyst on her brain. And looking at pictures of her brain today, the ultrasound technician said she saw no traces of it anymore. It was gone, praise the Lord. Even though the absence of it changes nothing in terms of Rosie's diagnosis, it was a little break in the rain for us. After the ultrasound, we waited to see the doctor for my routine visit. The reality I'm never prepared for are the conversations that have to take place from here on out. I don't like talking, let alone thinking, about how far we are willing to go to keep our daughter alive once born. I feel tears immediately falling when she tells me that Rosalie's lack of weight gain is now concerning. Concerning that she might not make it full term. Concerning in the fact that I might lose my baby before holding her. I let the tears fall as I look at Chris and stare into his eyes communicating without words how much I hate this. This is not normal. This is not what the last few months of pregnancy are supposed to be like! I should be shopping for sweet little clothes with ruffles on them! Creating the perfect space for her precious head to sleep at night! Not this. Not living day to day wondering if it's her last. I left the appointment feeling weary and defeated. Driving home, as the kids are screaming and yelling and arguing in the back, I hear a song I recognize on the radio. I couldn't tell you the name, or even sing it in it's entirety, but I knew one of the lyrics well and it instantly warmed my heart. The lyrics come from Isaiah 40:28-31.... "Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Isn't that just like our God? Giving us hope when we need it and constantly reassuring us of his unfailing love? After hearing the lyrics, I went home and opened up my bible and read these verses and just felt a little more at peace. It gave me the strength to finish my day. To play with my kids outside with a smile on my face. Enjoying their laughter and cherishing it. Every day from here on can be hard if we let it. But I'm learning to trust in Him, that he will direct my life, my circumstances, my day to day. He is capable. And He is more than capable of caring for my Rosie whether it's watching her grow here with us or holding her in His arms in Heaven.